Now you can fight both capitalism and the patriarchy at Feminist Business School

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If you hadn’t heard, or seen it written on a $710 t-shirt, the future is female.

To help kick that along a bit, a new Feminist Business School has started a $1200, eight-week, online course, where a seasoned “midwife” will teach women about the stages of giving “birth” to a new business.

I promise – I did not make one word of that sentence up. Nor any of what you read below.

The California-based (of course) Feminist Business School says it aims to help women launch businesses founded upon the theory of “feminine entrepreneurship” and “body-loving business practices.”  No, it’s not a pole dancing class.  

With a price set in the capitalist economy at $1,200, the class was developed by Jennifer Armbrust, an artist who graduated from Evergreen State University with a degree in critical theory. After graduating, she founded an art gallery, later becoming a performance artist in Portland, Oregon.  After working as a performance artist, Armbrust founded Sister, which is aimed at promoting “teaching and tools for the feminine economy.”  The “feminine economy”, a new one from Armbrust, shuns traditional capitalism.  A move which has always worked out well.

Armbrust argues that the traditional economy is based on masculine traits such as “individualism” and “speed and efficiency.”  They sound terrible things for an economy.  Like productivity and technological advancement.

These (apparently) masculine traits, Armbrust claims in her “Proposals for the Feminine Economy”, should be SHUNNED in favour of more feminine ones, such as “mindfulness,” “gratitude,” and “generosity”, which – she says – can help promote the “redistribution of money and power.”

I’m not sure which direction she intends the redistribution of money to go, but numbers and finance don’t seem to be a big part of this business school.  Armbrust points out that the Feminist Business School program will not teach any actual business skills, such as accounting or business law.

Instead, each week of the course will focus on a different topic.

Students will start with “getting grounded,” and will eventually progress into more advanced topics such as “the myth of meritocracy,” the “stages of birthing a business,” and “toppling the patriarchy.”  The point of these outstanding topics is that understanding feminist theory before starting a business is crucial, as it will give you a “huge leg-up on established entrepreneurs” and help you “avoid the frustrations and pitfalls of outdated masculine business models”.

There you have it – Bill Gates, you’ve been doing it all wrong.

The only “faculty member” of the school appears to be Armbrust, who does not appear to have any direct business experience, but did take a few business classes at Portland Community College,in and around the performance artistry.

In case you stupidly already started a business without learning how to “topple the patriarchy”, don’t worry:

If you are already in business, this class will re-energize you and provide you a new entrepreneurial framework founded on ease, pleasure, integration, embodiment, and critical consciousness.

Look, ladies of the Western world, let me give you a big discount on Armbrust’s $1200 program with a nickel’s worth of free business advice. The war is over.  You have got men on the run.  Any man over 40 represents the last men on earth.  As it stands right now, in business, politics, entertainment, employment and financial terms, you’ve got all the equality you need, whilst still retaining the benefits of paternity suits, alimony and outsized discrimination settlements.  You won.

Don’t let idiots like Jennifer here fuck it up for you, and make you pay $1200 for her to babble on and convince you about how happy you can be trying to monetise the millionth fashion blog or Facetime life-coaching business.  If there’s a “feminine economy”, its not this bullshit she’s talking about.

Female entrepreneurs are out there right now in this apparently horrible capitalist economy making big bucks.  It’s not for everyone – male or female.  Plenty of men don’t want to do it either – but no-one is going to tell them how AMAZING it is that they sold $86 worth of beads on Etsy last month.

There’s no horrible patriarchy pulling strings behind the scenes to hold you down.  Business is hard.  If you’re good enough and tough enough, you’ve got everything you need to succeed.  Don’t spunk your money on this dipshittery.

One caveat: if Armbrust came up with this course as a cleverly disguised way to meet deranged lesbians, then I take it all back. She’s a genius.

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