Last week was the ugliest week for upsets since Week 6, 2001. That week gave birth to this legendary prediction from noted shithead, Bob Kravitz, titled “Gaudy Odds Give Colts Elite Status” in a Patriots-Colts preview, where Indianapolis was a 12-point favorite on the road.
“The number tells me three things:
* The Colts have moved up to the national “A” list of serious Super Bowl contenders.
* The Patriots, who stunk when Drew Bledsoe still was in possession of all his internal organs, will be woeful with somebody named Tom Brady.
* The Colts ought to win this game. Easily.”
They lost, 44-13, and somebody named Tom Brady went on to be Superbowl MVP. You’ll be pleased to know Bob is as big a dickhead 14 years later.
Check this list of dumpster fires out:
- 10-point favourites New Orleans belted at home by Tampa Bay, with Brees contributing an INT and a ridiculous fumble.
- The touchdown-favourite Colts topping last week’s abortion with a 13-point, 5 turnover loss at home to the Jets, and Chuck Pagano deciding he’ll blame Andrew Luck.
- 6-point favourites Baltimore going 0-2 with a loss to the Raiders in which they somehow conceded 37 points.
- 6-point favourites Miami deciding to bomb to the Jaguars.
- St Louis being the typical Jeff Fisher team and following up a division win in Seattle with a complete capitulation to Washington, where they conceded 130 rushing yards in the first half.
- Tennessee deciding not to play Tampa again, and getting pummelled by 14 by Cleveland, ending the Mariota Is Good era.
This week has plenty of home favourites, so you can approach with much more confidence, and let the bats out of the degenerate gambling wallet. Bet big.
Harbaugh Men don’t go 0-3, and despite playing their first season ever without Reed, Lewis or Suggs and a stinky O-line, they won’t this year. The Ravens have gone 15-1 in their last 16 home September games.
BET: Ravens – 2.5
Drew Brees is out, and a Verizon TV ad spokesman named Luke McCown is playing quarterback. You might think, OK they’ll just run it all game, except their running backs are getting are taking contact 1.13 yards after receiving the football, the worst in the league. Cam’s somersault’s go further than that. The Saints how found a way to be completely awful.
BET: Panthers -6.5
These two teams are the biggest boobs in the league, and the Browns set out to prove that by going back to Josh McCown, who is as terrible as Manziel with less 50 yard touchdowns. I’m not buying the Derek Carr Story, which I hope my wallet does not regret. But no Jack Del Rio team can have a winning record, and West Coast teams suck in 1pm Easterns.
BET: Browns -3.5
The Falcons have eeked out two wins, without looking terribly good. And despite Dallas having a defence that looks like it’ll be good, no man should ever bet on Brandon Weeden.
BET: Falcons -1
A seven-point spread is absolutely insane, because I’m not even sure seven points will be scored on offence between two teams quarterbacked by Mallett and Winston. Winston won’t enjoy the away-from-home experience, but the Texans can’t run. Stay away from this one.
BET: No bet.
Adrian Peterson is back. And the Vikes are 5-1 against the spread in their last 6.
BET: Vikings -2.5
Avoid spreads like this. However, I was highly amused by Bill Belichick’s 35 minute monologue this week on how the Jaguars are a cross between the 80s 49ers on offence and the 2013 Seahawks on defence.
BET: No bet.
I’m off the Chip Bandwagon. He’s 2 more weeks from being upgraded to full BOOB. Bradford has been terrible this season immediately after refusing a contract extension, and that’s with defences only blitzing him on 11% of passing plays. Todd Bowles in a blitz-addict. Fitzpatrick hasn’t melted down yet. I’d make it the bet of the season so far, if they weren’t the Jets.
BET: Jets -2
What am I missing? LeVeon Bell and Antonio Brown will be getting a hundred short passes to neutralise the Rams D-line. Assuming they don’t find ways to screw everything else up (hi, Josh Scobee), they’ll win.
BET: Steelers -1
This might not be a bad spread, because the Colts defence has conceded 46 points to the Jets and Bills. Mariota will be more comfortable at home and we might get something like week 1 from him. I’m betting Luck will do enough – but the Colts have big issues.
BET: Colts -3
I can’t believe Carson Palmer is going terrific. It’s a sizeable spread if the 49ers decide to be useful, but Bruce Arians is the master at beating the spread. They’ve got a very good defence, and their offence is so far plenty good enough.
BET: Cardinals -7
If Tyrod Taylor pulls another away performance like last weekend, the Bills can’t win. The myth that he “could be the competent QB the Bills have been looking for” is gibberish. He took 8 sacks and threw 3 INTs against the very ordinary Patriots defence. While the Dolphins have been complete frauds so far, they’ll do enough at home to win.
BET: Dolphins +2.5
I’d say bet the head-to-head, but the Seahawks are only paying 1/16. Whether the Seahawks cover the spread will depend on their mood probably, but Jimmy Clausen is the Bears QB, so it’s hard to imagine the Bears scoring more than 14. Check if Lynch is playing – if so, take……..
BET: Seahawks – 14.5
Peyton’s arm looks terrible, but his brain still works. The way he picked out Sanders and Thomas to get enough yards and points to win the last two weeks was phenomenal. The Lions D is terrible, so he and the running game won’t face the pressure they have against the Ravens and Chiefs. And the Lions O can’t get going.
BET: Broncos -3
If the Chiefs at home let Manning’s noodle arm score 24 points, the Packers will score plenty enough to win this by a TD.
BET: Packers -6.5
Season record: 10-8