Gamblers Guide to NRL Week 8

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Wests Tigers dipshittery knows no bounds

The Wests Tigers wheeled out Ivan Cleary Thursday to announce that they were putting deadlines on their offers to James Tedesco and Aaron Woods. Turns out, they made those offers Tuesday, and set the deadline of Friday.  That’s plenty of time to consider multi-million dollars offers that may go up or down when the NRL finally comes up with a salary cap figure for 2018 and beyond.

Cleary mostly had the look of a man undergoing a prostate exam, after his dipshit board, CEO and/or Chairman had sent him out to be the face of this random deadline.  Since there wasn’t an actual reason for the deadline, Cleary was stuck blaming the hidden demon, “speculation”. They couldn’t send piss-dribbling, pant suit-wearing harpy Marina Go out there, because she spent last week blaming the Tigers’ woes on sexism, so she couldn’t blame this week’s woes on “speculation”.  Pretend tough guy Julian Pascoe had booked time with his life coach that morning who plays him motivational tapes on loop, and has him repeat phrases like “Attack the world like a tiger!”

This is typical of the half-witted, irrational way the Tigers are run.  They don’t run a club, they focus on trying to sound tough to the media and fans, and end up sounding like they read this stuff in a book.

It’s April.  There’s no salary cap decided for next year.  Their new coach has been in place for two games. They’re your two best players.  Sure, their agent might be a slimy muppet, but all agents are.  They’re like the crazy girl who texts you 43 times with the last 41 of them saying with increasing levels of profanity “WHY AREN’T YOU REPLYING”.

Playing tough guy and forcing them to make a decision in three days will hopefully just force those two guys to say “Thanks, but no thanks”.

It also backs the Tigers into a corner.  If they don’t sign somewhere else by Friday, are they really going to not offer them a contract at all?  Really? You sure about that answer? You sure you don’t want to change your story there?

It’s management by panic.  They’re a half-assed management who will probably kill Cleary, who deserves to be at a club away from nutjobs like these and Phil Gould.

 

Whinge of the Week: Jack Bird announces he’s leaving Cronulla

Meanwhile, a procession of angry old white people spent the week whining about Jack Bird having the audacity to decide that when his contract is up with Cronulla at the end of the year, he’ll move to Brisbane.

We heard numerous screams of WHAT ABOUT ALL THAT SHANE FLANAGAN HAS DONE FOR HIM!!!!  The best take was from general weirdo, Michale Ennis:

Ennis as a media pundit has proved to have all the logical thinking of a houseplant.  Bird was not a Sharks junior, and has been at Cronulla a little over two years. He played Junior Kangaroos and NSW under-20s before he’d even heard of Flanagan.  It’s highly amusing how people think that a talent so exceptional that it can play Origin at 21 years of age instead owes his life to his first first grade coach and club.

Just a hunch, but I think Wayne Bennett might be ok at managing the kid’s future. He’s got some experience at it.

 
THE GAMES

We’ve had a good run in 2017, bizarrely going 34-15 against the spread.  Expect that not to last.  We’re going to sit out some of the crazy spreads this week too.

Raiders (-11.5) v Sea Eagles

The Raiders are a 12 point better side than the Eagles, especially at Bruce, but these two teams are random in their scoring and defense.  Avoid.

BET: No bet.

Rabbitohs v Broncos (-7.5)

Brisbane have won one game by this spread all season.  The Rabbitohs are generally abysmal. And now Adam Reynolds is out.

BET:  No bet.

Eels v Panthers (-2.5)

Gus Gould’s five year plan is not going well. This is a pretend home game, as its at ANZ, not Parramatta.

BET: Panthers -2.5.

Cowboys (-8) v Knights

The Knights fluke a close game every couple of weeks to maintain their “plucky loser” tag.  WHAT AN UP-AND-COMING YOUNG BUNCH OF SCAMPS.  WHAT A BRIGHT FUTURE THEY HAVE. You can always get away with being terrible so long as you have a young roster. “Well, they’re a group of uncoordinated amputees, but they’re ALL under age 22!”

Fire everybody.

BET: Cowboys -8.

Sharks (-9.5) v Titans

The Titans have the worst defence in the competition, and the Sharks the best.

BET: Sharks -9.5

Tigers v Bulldogs (-4)

Ivan, you boob, you let me down last week.

Another pretend home game. And two unpredictable teams.

BET: No bet.

Roosters (-2.5) v Dragons

The bookies just have zero love for the Dragons, do they?

BET: Dragons +2.5

Storm (-9.5) v Warriors

The Warriors stink.

BET: Storm -9.5.

 

SEASON RECORD: 34-15 against the spread.

 
MG’s Movie Review of the Week

Mark Geyer, radio personality and brother of NRL Premiership winner Matt Geyer, drops in to give us his Amazon Prime Movie Review of the Week.  This week: The Magnificent Seven, 2016 version.

“This movie was a pile of shit.  For one, I didn’t buy Denzel Washington’s character.  I’ve watched all the old Westerns, and there were no black gunslingers in that era. They were sidekicks, like Morgan Freeman in Unforgiven.

That Guardians of the Galaxy guy was terrible.  He can’t act for shit and that grinning idiot look just pissed me off.  Plus, there’s no way that Gatling gun had that sort of range.  Pure fiction.”

 

How Much Should Jarryd Hayne Be Paid This Week?

Options:

A.  Not as much as Slater.
B.  Whatever the 49ers were paying him.
C.  NRLPA minimum, plus win bonus.
D.  The dole.
E.   Refund the fans.

Didn’t play.

VERDICT:   The dole. 

 

THE BRING BACK THE BIFF OLD TIME FIGHT OF THE WEEK
You get the feeling that Willie didn’t rate Stuart Fielden too much.

 

FLUSH THAT TURD

There’s nothing better for an overweight and/or unathletic fan than being drunk.  The second best thing, given you can’t do any better than the players, is to know that coach sucks and you can do better.

These are the coaches on the hot seat in 2017 you can ridicule and death-ride all season long:

  • Jason Taylor – FIRED!
  • Paul McGregor – won!  There’s no stopping Mary, who might be the best Dragons coach since Wayne Bennett.
  • Michael Maguire – lost.  That second half might have been the worst offensive half of the season.
  • Stephen Kearney – lost.  And of course, despite Johnson, Foran, Shek and Luke, apparently the Warriors are “rebuilding”.
  • Nathan Brown – lost.  Browny is now 2-1-28 as Knight’s coach.  What are they hoping for here?
  • Trent Barrett – lost.  That prematch speech much have been a barn-burner, as they were 22-0 after 18 minutes AT HOME.

You’ve got to love the pre-match interviews they do with blokes like Brown and Barrett.  They put me off watching the game.  Brown rolls out his “yeah, she’ll be right maaate” speech.  Barrett sounds like he’s come up with a speech during the week that he’s now completely lost confidence in.

Sooner or later, every team in the NRL ends up winning games, thanks to the salary cap forcing the good teams to shed players.  But these teams are wasting their time with those two blokes.

 

Gratuitous Cheerleader Pic of the Week

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