Forbes keeps their Rich List pretty well updated, and wouldn’t you know it, they all made their money out of business, or marrying someone with a business. The lesson there is: if you want to make real money in this lifetime and not marry a wrinkly, you need to make it through business.
In our Aggression in Business series, you’ll see that aggression is the only way to succeed in business. This week: why aggression in business is all that matters.
This week: Language.
Aggression will require you to incorporate swearing, abuse and insults into your language.
Swearing is important and can be used in one of two ways depending on your personal preference. One way, is to insert it, thunderclap-like at a key moment to rattle your audience. The advanced method is to use it so liberally that it becomes part of the lexicon.
The importance of swearing is that, far more than just grammar, it emphasises your emotion (anger, dismay, confusion, rage, dissatisfaction, disbelief, perplexity) or your assessment of something (incompetence, condemnation, refusal, fraud, difficulty, inquiry, dismissal). You’ll know if you have any business experience at all that simply using normal words does not have the desired effect on this front.
Without that emphasis, you will not demonstrate the necessary aggression. Put another way, you will never read something like: ‘”Fuck off”, he hinted.’ To clearly communicate your requirements effectively, you need to incorporate swearing.
Here’s the correct way to use these terms:
This is your go-to guy. It can be used on its own to represent anger, dismay, confusion, rage, dissatisfaction, disbelief or perplexity, or as a sentence starter, regardless of the sentence to follow. It’s not, in business, to be used as a verb, except in the context of “Did you fuck it up?”
“What the fuck do I want them for?”
“Fuck, I don’t know why I employ people like this.”
It’s self-explanatory, and you see examples of it used every day. But if you’re not using it in most sentences, you’re not being effective.
A fundamental adjective in your repertoire. Best used with another adjective for emphasis. The way it’s delivered has to emphasise your mood or requirements.
“This has to be the most useless fucking piece of work I’ve ever seen in the history of finance.”
“I didn’t ask you to fucking do it; I told you to fucking do it.”
“That was fucking shit.”
An unacceptable situation or performance.
“She’s fucked that up.”
This is best used to describe someone who thinks they’re better than they are – there are better words for the stupid or for underperformers.
Fuckwit is best used to define someone who makes exasperating decisions or performs perplexingly useless work. They seem intelligent enough not to fuck it up, but they do.
“I told this fuckwit three times to fix that and he’s fucked it up again.”
A dickhead is a clear and obvious goofball (unlike a fuckwit, who should be able to do better).
“Don’t give the job to that dickhead, he’ll only fuck it up.”
This word, due to the offence it causes, has to be use a little more sparingly than the others. Under no circumstances is it to be used in relation to women. It has to be saved for those who are deliberating attempting to sabotage you, or who accidentally do, with no remorse. It should be used to define your enemies, particularly to those around you, so that they know for sure, and treat those people badly too.
Variations of this, Ari Gold-style, can be used for explosive emphasis.
If you’re not up to using the previous term, you can get away with using asshole as a replacement – anyone who is a deliberate saboteur of yours. It’s nowhere near effective, though.
“What an asshole.”
Unacceptable; worthy of disdain.
“I was a damn sight better until I read that shit you sent me.”
“What is this shit?”
Shit can be used in multiples to amplify your complete disdain:
“I couldn’t give two shits”
Of dubious nature, or a straight out lie.
“I don’t believe a word of that bullshit you just gave me.”
“No, that’s bullshit. Check it again.”
RATSHIT and SHITHOUSE:
These should be used to define the performance or standard of something.
“The service here is shithouse.”
Someone of a smarmy or pompous nature, or an outright liar.
Really works best when combined with “useless”.
“Why can’t you get this right, you useless bastard?”
Soft, weak, wet individual or effort.
“He’s a pissweak heap of shit”.
“Welcome to PissWeak world, meet the Mayor.”
Some final tips:
- When saying “fucking”, ensure you say “ing” not “in'” – the ‘g’ can’t be silent: it’s critical for emphasis, like you thought fucking was so important an adjective to include, you didn’t want to do it the injustice of cutting it short.
- Do not use bitch, douchebag (you’re not in college), homophobic terms or racial slurs.
I’m happy for you to integrate other words in there that you’re comfortable with if it suits your persona (e.g. “fuckstick”, “c*&^muscle”), but the above are the ones to get right and use most frequently.
You also may, at times, be in more formal surrounds where off-the-chain swearing isn’t appropriate, but you still need to demonstrate, say, disgust, or insult someone. That’s where words like nonce, twit, boob and buffoon, for example, might be best used. But don’t make a habit of them at the expense of swearing.
Statistics* show that a lack of tact is positively correlated with success, and with likability.
Use swearing frequently in your daily speech, you will be proud and it will add to your fucking prestige and stature.
(*unsourced – I may have made it up)