These season previews should not be considered analysis. While each team’s BOOB index is painstakingly compiled, these anaylses are mainly so I can mock people earning 8 figures annually and banging hot models. For a full explanation of the BOOB Index, click here.
SAN DIEGO CHARGERS
A typically futile 9-7.
Melvin Gordon was a gorilla in college, so that might go good. Swapped Eddie Royal for Jacoby Jones and Stevie Johnson, which doesn’t sound too good. Plus Orlando Franklin.
Mike McCoy. Too bland to make bad decisions. Was probably at the US Open last night in Khaki shorts, tennis shoes, a button down and a baseball cap. Zero BOOB points.
Here’s what I know about moving your team: you do it in the middle of the night with a moving truck in the off-season. Everyone is out of town and gets to avoid the fall-out, and you don’t have to have your fans booing you and ripping the stadium up for the rest of the season. Here’s what you don’t do: announce it in the middle of the season, or unveil glamorous stadium plans in another city before the season. 1 BOOB point.
Somehow, this team has remained competitive for over a decade now, despite having half a dozen different coaches. Always seem to have plenty of talent, and don’t overpay for free agents. Zero BOOB points.
A champion, a weird dude, and needs his recent contract extension to feed all 9 kids. Zero BOOB points.
BOOB rating:1 BOOB point.
O/U: 8.5 wns – BOOB Threshold: 9.5 wins
Prediction: UNDER. This team is on red alert for the moving vans.
3-13, which is awful enough, but their points differential was -199. Dennis Allen was shit-canned after four games, and legendary boob Tony Sparano stepped in. In a sensational BOOB moment, Sparano buried a football and gave an awkward speech:
“What this ball represents and what this hole represents are the first four games of the season. The first quarter of our season … This ball, to me, goes in this hole! Okay? Four game’s worth! [drops the ball] All right? Goes in the hole. And now I’m gonna put the first piece of dirt on it. Okay? Anybody else that wants to put any dirt on it, you help yourself. And if you don’t feel like you need to do anything like that, okay, I’m fine with that.”
I love the bit at the end: “you help yourself, or if you don’t want to, OK”. What a motivator.
Amari Cooper and Rodney Hudson will be good. Then you’ve got Michael Crabtree and that’s it. It was so bad, the NFL’s website listed their top 10 off-season moves, couldn’t come up with 10, so the list included upgrading the practice facility and four coaches, including a S&C coach. Have already cut James Jones and Trent Richardson. Just awful.
Jack Del Rio is from the Tony Sparano school of BOOB motivational metaphors. He once put a block of wood and an axe in the locker room to symbolise “Keep Choppin’ Wood”, only to have the punter (who should never be around sharp tools), chop himself in the leg with the axe. 1 BOOB point.
Mark Davis, with his inbred face, bowl-haircut and his inherited football team. Mark’s announced his stadium plans to move as well. 1 BOOB point.
Reggie McKenzie is responsible for that off-season, and the two before it. Has a worse hairdo than Davis. He’s a BOOB.
The optimism surrounding Derek Carr seems to be that he’s not David Carr. No-one is that bad, so 0.5 BOOB points.
BOOB rating: 3.5 BOOB points
O/U: 5.5 wins – BOOB Threshold: 9 wins
Prediction: UNDER. Somebody sell this team.
KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
9-7, including giving the Raiders their first win in a year, and ZERO TD’s from wide receivers.
Signed Jeremy Maclin and Ben Grubbs, and drafted a guy to replace Rod Hudson. And Dwayne Bowe will have to disappoint another team.
The coach and GM
Andy Reid is a supremely talented coach, who gets the best out of his quarterbacks. He’s also the owner of some of the biggest BOOB moments in clock management, challenge flags and crushing playoff losses. And that’s what the BOOB index is there to find: 1 full BOOB point for his coaching; 0 for his GM work.
Hunt doesn’t seem like a complete pain in the ass, but he fell in love with Scott Pioli, and did inherit the team. 0.5 BOOB points.
It’s hard to make too many bad decisions on check-downs and bubble screens. 0 BOOB points.
BOOB rating: 1.5
O/U: 8.5 wins – BOOB Threshold: 10 wins.
12-4, another inexplicable Peyton Manning playoff loss, and John Fox fired.
All their key players are back bar Julius Thomas, and they signed Evan Mathis to fill some holes in an injury-ridden O-line. The O-line doesn’t matter than much with Manning getting rid of the ball quick – just the running game.
Kubiak, we assume, will install his zone-blocking system and CJ Anderson will run for 1500 yards. No real evidence of BOOB in his history.
Well, it’s basically Elway at this point.
I was certain Elway would be a BOOB. He’s not – he’s been phenomenal, albeit largely through free agency. That’s why we have a benefit of the doubt rule. Zero BOOB points.
Regular season Peyton Manning: Zero BOOB points.
Playoffs Peyton Manning: 1 BOOB point. It defies logic.
BOOB rating: Zero BOOB points.
O/U: 10.5 wins – BOOB Threshold: 10.5 wins
Prediction: OVER, unless the wheels fall off Manning’s arm.